Organization XIII: Behind The Curtain
by SkyLandOcean
Summary: Whenever Sora meets them, they monologue and try in vain to kill him. They want to kill things and hurt people. But, their emotions are a ruse. What are they REALLY LIKE? Meet the real evil dudes, discover their secrets. Pre-Chain Of Memories
1. Dessert Night

Hello, SkyLandOcean and Bro with a new fanfic! What really happened during the time you didn't see the Organization in action? A bunch of weird shit! Lights. Cameras. ACTION!!!!!!!

PS: This chapter has no plot, it is our way of introducing you to our modified characters.

* * *

"I like candy!" sang Namine, childishly. She was in the sweet shop, Larxene nearby. Namine always had company with her, as Xemnas never liked her to be on her own. After all, she suffered from bipolar disorder.

"Well, that will be $18.50." said the clerk, looking at the lollies upon the counter.

"Do you mean four knives or five?" asked Larxene, brandishing her kunai.

"What?" She reached into his mouth and pulled out his spine.

"Don't be mean!" pouted Namine.

"Ain't nobody gonna be mean to him now. Apart from the Chaser boys." (AN: Best... Show... EVER, GODDAMN IT!)

Security guards had already surrounded them.

"Well, this sucks." said Namine, folding her arms. She frowned and began to cry.

Most of the security guards lowered their arms and went "Aaawww." as Namine shed more tears. Larxene took this opportunity to pop their heads off like corks in a fine wine.

Namine grabbed even more sweets from the shelves, and ran from the store. "Don't take too many of those, they'll make you more crazy."

"I'M CRAZY?!? I'M CRAZY?!?!?!?!?! Yeah, you're right." This bipolar disorder was near fatal... to the rest of the Organization that is. Why, only yesterday had Roxas found his feet tied to his hands with strips of his own flesh, taken from his back. She had suspended him in her laboratory and drawn pictures of him as he began to die. He was only saved when Xemnas had burst in and used a potion, before performing emergency plastic surgery.

"We'd better get home now." said Larxene.

"But we just got here!"

"We killed eight people! What if the police come?"

"Couldn't you just tear them in half like you did to the mailman?" asked Namine.

"Hey! He deserved it! The package had two crumples in the corner! TWO! Tell me he didn't deserve it!"

"He didn't deserve it."

"LIES!" screamed Larxene, hitting Namine across the face and throwing her into a portal.

"CHILD ABUSE!" yelled Namine, as they reappeared in the living room. Xemnas was stood in the centre of the floor, yelling: "I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WORLD!" as he played "_Dance Dance Revolution." _He suddenly realised that Larxene was in the room.

"I mean: Soon all the hearts will be ours! MUAHAHAHA!"

"Don't try and cover up, you bitch." said Larxene, trying not to smile as she saw him still dancing despite coming up with a crap excuse.

"Hey, where's Demyx? He was in here when we left." said Namine.

Xemnas pointed to the corner of the room, where Demyx was painting his toenails.

"Oh, this blue. Bliss." he said.

Namine coughed. "Gay."

"I AM NOT! Well, maybe a little." said Demyx, looking up, accidentally missing his toenail and getting it on his leg.

"Uh! Now look what you made me do! Do you know how long it's gonna take me to get this shit off? Oops, I said a swear! Hahahahahahahaha! (Snort) Yaoi."

"Dude, you've gotta stop saying that completely. It's really creeping me out." said Marluxia, entering the room.

"(Snort) Yaoi."

Xemnas had a little fun with Marluxia. "Marly, you've something underneath your nails."

"ARRRGH! WHERE?!?!" he screamed, picking frantically at his fingernails.

"(Snort) Yaoi." Everyone in the castle knew that Marluxia was a clean freak.

"I have to bleach my skin! I'll be back in two hours. You people are filthy."

"(Snort) Yaoi." Marluxia ran from the room, crying.

"OH NO! TEARS ARE FULL OF GERMS!" He started to beat himself with a stick, before realising that it was from outside.

"ARRGH! FILTHY NATURE! YOU DISGUST ME!" But then he realised that he was still holding the stick. "YIPES!" He ran away, looking for the Windolene.

"(Snort) Yaoi."

Xemnas laughed like a sixteen year old girl. He put the back of his hand up to his mouth while he giggled.

"(Snort) YOWWIE!"

"SHUT UP, BITCH!" screamed Namine, as she took a tacky, stained glass lamp to his head.

His unconcious body began the can-can.

"Hey guys!" said Roxas, entering the room. "Guess what I've been doing for the past two hours? Looking up on Wikipedia about some guy called Xemnas! What a bastard!"

"Er, Roxas. Don't you remember..." said Namine.

"OhmygodIleftthestoveon!" he cried.

"I told you to leave the biscuits in two minutes, not two hours!" cried Xemnas, running to the kitchen.

"It'll be only a little more golden." said Roxas, shrugging it off. Xemnas poked his head around the kitchen doorframe.

"THEY'RE BLACK!" he screamed.

"Yo got something wrong with black? Don't you understand that we're ALL equal in God's eyes? Peace." said Xigbar, entering the room. Very few people know this, but he's actually a hippie, only hostile to his enemies who keep disturbing his "aura".

"Whatever. Tea will be on the table in about one hour." said Xemnas.

"I WANT IT NOW!" screamed Namine, turning red.

"Well, you're gonna have to wait unless you want it raw." said Larxene. She immediately realised her mistake when a chair flew at her head. She ducked, and the chair hit Lexaeus.

"OW! ARRGH! WHOA! ACID FLASHBACK! Is that like totally, The Beatles flying past in a yellow submarine? Awesome. ARGH! PURPLE ZOMBIE EATING MY FACE!" He was actually rolling on the floor, muttering to himself.

"We gotta find his dope, and fast." said Xigbar.

"You're a hippy, don't you smoke it?" asked Xemnas.

"No, that's a stereotype," He sniffed his armpits. "But I seriously do smell like sh(not very good)t."

CRASH! Saix drove through the wall in a bloodstained car.

"Hey guys! I just totally ran over a granny and her five year old grandaughter, who was in remission from cancer! Now guess what? They dead!"

"That's- that's terrible." said Namine, before vomiting in disgust.

Luxord climbed in through a window.

"Aye, the door be locked. Which tosser closed it?"

"Erm, Saix just made a hole in the wall." said Roxas.

Luxord staggered around, before falling on the the floor.

"Luxy, where have you been?" asked Xemnas, angry.

"I be getting drunk off my ass."

"YOU ARE NOT A GODDAMN PIRATE!" screamed Roxas, banging his head on the table.

"Aye, ye say that to me deck of cards!" He searched, but couldn't find them. "Arr, I must've traded them for rum."

"Actually, that guy knocked you out yesterday, stole your pants and your cards." said Namine.

"Yar, that be explainin' why I be wearing no breeches."

"Riiight." said Demyx. He then added: "(Snort) Yaoi."

"I have breasts. Exquisite breasts." said Larxene, completely randomly. Everyone stared at her.

"I'm just reminding you that I have breasts." she answered, pointing at her chest.

"No you idiot, that's your arse." said Roxas.

Suddenly a green monster burst through the wall, and ran around the room. Demyx began to cry, but then bitch-slapped it when it tried to take his nail polish.

"BAD! (Snort) Yaoi."

"Tea's up!" cried Xemnas, poking his head around the door.

"Happy joy!" screamed Roxas.

* * *

They all sat down to dinner, where Namine said grace.

"Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yea Teletubbies!"

Demyx, who was sat next to her, said:

"Erm, Nami, I think it's 'God'."

"SHUT UP! YOU CAN'T EVEN GET AN X AT THE START OF YOUR NAME! YOU SUCK AT FIGHTING!"

Demyx started to sob.

"Namine, don't upset Demyx. You don't even have an X in your name." said Xemnas.

"You don't have to say it like it is." said Namine, in a tearful voice.

Xaldin turned to Namine and said "Namine, can you draw me up some more porn? Mine's all sticky!"

"Yuck! That's foul! No!"

"Saix, take that chicken off your head." said Xemnas, ignoring the conversation.

The Luna Diviner announced playfully. "Lookame! I'm chicken boy!"

"God, I'M SO ANGRY!" yelled Namine, smashing a centrepiece.

"What about?" asked Larxene, in frustration.

"EVERYTHING!"

"Go sit at the emo side of the table, man." said Lexeaus, pointing to Zexion.

"I'm prepping my noose!" said Zexion, from the other side of the table.

"Zexion! Stop talking about death!"

"Yeah, no one cares about you!" said Axel.

"Leave Zexy-poo alone!" said Namine, in a childish voice.

"Thanks Namine."

"SHUT UP!"

Zexion shrunk back.

"We ate much more classy at my house," said Vexen "sure I always prepared the food, takin' the spade and levering the raccoons offa the road, and we did eat off a pool table, but it was classy."

Roxas looked at Vexen "Hey, how do you neuter a hillbilly?"

"I don' know."

"Kick his daughter in the chin!"

"That's disgusting!" said Axel, before setting Mikoto, the castle cat, on fire.

"Haha! Burn kitty, burn!"

"I'm not gonna eat that chicken, you murdered the chicken, man!" yelled Xigbar, smashing the china against the wall.

"Xigbar, my mother gave that to me!"

"Yeah, I know her! Hippies aren't the only ones getting 'free love'!" said Xaldin.

Xemnas stared at him blankly.

"Why are the flapjacks dancin'?" asked Lexaeus, looking down at the appetisers.

"They're not, you arsehole." said Roxas.

"_Cause suicide is painless, it takes on many changes. And I can take or leave it if I please!"_

"Zexion, you're making Namine cry." said Roxas.

"I don't care. All the world will cry when society begins to take its toll on our lives. The entire universe will mourn, and our numbers will drop one by one, in pain and fiery death."

Namine started to stream with tears. "Mummy!"

"You don't even have a mummy." said Roxas.

"Roxas!" yelled Larxene. "Leave the poor thing alone."

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

"It hurts!" cried Roxas, rolling on the floor.

"Teach you to be a crybaby." said Demyx. He was then zapped himself.

Demyx started to cry and fell to the ground.

"That's it! You are sooooo off my Christmas card list!" said Demyx.

Larxene gasped. "Those were _handmade_. I hate you!"

"Good. Let that anger boil within you, let it fester, and strengthen. THEN UNLEASH IT ON THE ENTIRE OF HUMANITY!"

"Dude. Seriously, over a Christmas card?" said Larxene.

"Don't tell me what to do!" said Zexion, picking up a vase and throwing it at her. Due to the fact that he was always reading, it missed and hit Namine.

Xigbar leaned over to Luxord and said: "He has just cost himself his life."

"Scatter!" said Roxas, running to the edge of the room. Everyone followed suit, and started to chant.

"NAMINE! NAMINE! NAMINE! NAMINE!"

Namine did a perfect roundhouse kick, getting Zexion right in the cheekbone.

"The pain feels good."

Namine looked a bit bewildered, but then gave him a swift kick to the balls.

"Oh, that feels good." he said, squeaking.

"This guy is unbeatable!" cried Roxas.

Zexion picked up a vase and ditched it at Namine. It missed and hit Roxas.

"IT IS ON!" shouted Roxas, joining the fight.

He leapt in and pushed Namine away from Zexion. Roxas leaped at Zexion's legs, trying to pants him. He pulled his pants off and saw that he was wearing boxers which said: "Bright eyed" on the front, and when Zexion turned to hurt Namine, Roxas saw that it said "And bushy tailed!" on the back.

"What the hell, man? I thought it would have been _Cannibal Corpse_ or something."

"Don't compare me with those freaks!" said Zexion, pulling up his pants.

"Enough of the bloodshed." said Xemnas.

"Afraid to get blood on your carpet?" mocked Xigbar.

"All of you! To bed! Now! No dessert and double chores tomorrow!"

"Arr, but we were having pudding for dessert tonight, savvy?" argued Luxord, sadly.

"Demyx, you caused the least trouble. You may have pudding." said Xemnas, handing him a bowl.

"Yay! I like the chocolate pudding."

"What about me? I haven't even said anything!" argued Marluxia.

"Yeah, but you're the Grim Reaper's Fangirl. You may have nothing."

"I don't care, the dishes are probably filthy anyway."

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Namine, storming up to her room.

"I hate you such much right now." said Larxene.

"Well, I got the pudding! You can't have any!" cried Demyx, through a mouthful of delicious chocolate dessert. (AN: Anyone else suddenly want pudding?)

Axel snatched it off him.

ZAP! Larxene shocked him. Demyx was once more rolling on the floor.

Xemnas shouted. "Axel, give Demyx his pudding!"

"I already ate it!" Demyx started crying again.

"That's it! Axel, no dessert for the next three days!"

"Say what? It's cake night tomorrow!"

"And then, it's chocolate night, and then icecream night." mocked Xaldin.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed Axel, before setting Xaldin's cloak on fire.

"I love to watch it BURN." said Zexion, watching the flames get higher and higher.

* * *

That's the end of the first chapter! We hope you enjoyed it! Stupid hippo.

For those of you who can't keep track, here are their personalities for this fanfic:

Namine - Bipolar

Larxene - Homicidal

Xemnas - Supermum

Zexion - King of the kutterz

Demyx - Girly-man

Marluxia - Obsessed with hygiene

Luxord - Raging alcoholic who believes he is a pirate

Roxas - Unbelievably stupid

Xigbar - Hippie

Xaldin - Sex hound

Saix - Insanely violent

Vexen - Posh despite being of hillbilly descent

Lexaeus - Completely stoned 24/7

Axel - Pyromaniac


	2. Pot Roast and Vegetables

Welcome to chapter two of Behind The Curtain! This chapter we see Axel try to cope without his dessert.

Disclaimer: What retard would think we own Kingdom Hearts? Seriously?! Oh well, at least we acknowledge we don't, so you can't sue us! MUAHAHAHA! Ha.

* * *

"Oh guys, awesome! Check this out!" yelled Saix, stood in the front yard, a shovel in hand.

Namine, Demyx and Luxord came running over. Axel would have too, if he weren't up in his room moping about the lost dessert.

"Arr, what did ye do, matey? Did ye kill another guy? That's wrong, savvy?" asked Luxord, as he approached.

"I split this dude's head with a spade!"

"That gives me an idea." said Namine, taking out a notebook.

"What's that? (Snort) Yaoi."

"Nothing! Hey, do you wanna play with the trampoline? I also need help to choose out a golf club, something that could smash a pirate's leg open."

"What? Whatever, let's go. I suggest a nine-iron." Demyx and Namine walked off, headed to the backyard.

Axel watched from his window, smoking a cigar. It was the closest he could get to chocolate, but was slightly worried about the affect it would have on his lungs.

"Hey dude," cried Xaldin, entering the room "You'll never guess what Larxene just let me do to her!"

Axel rolled his eyes. Xaldin was frequently entering his room and announcing his latest sexual conquest.

"What? I don't care, but what? AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR! GEEZ!"

Xaldin pranced back and quickly knocked on the door three times.

"Come i-hin!"

"Okay, it involves a credit card, a rolled up bus ticket, and a litre of chocolate body paint."

"What?"

"I know! It was whack! You see, what you do with the credit card is-"

"Shut up! Jesus! I mean, what's with the chocolate, where the hell on Xemnas' Castle-y World did you get it?" asked Axel, blocking his ears to prevent himself from hearing anything more descriptives.

"Zelda's Sex-y Shopp-y."

"You mean Zelda's Sexe Shoppe."

"Whatever. Anyway, it's in Twilight Town-y."

"That doesn't even have an E at the end!"

"So? How are you taking the loss of your chocolate?" asked Xaldin, leaning on the wall. "Must be pretty harsh."

"It's terrible. I'm on my fifth cigar." answered Axel, taking another drag.

"That's bad for you. When we were at school, we saw a cartoon of a squirell who was flattened by a milk truck."

"What's that got to do with me?"

"The culprit had red hair."

"You said it was a cartoon."

"The guy sounded like you, and he had red hair." said Xaldin, through his teeth.

"It wasn't me! It was a freakin' cartoon!"

"YOU killed the squirell, Axel. What did the squirell ever do to YOU, Axel? What do YOU have against the squirell, Axel? Why did YOU flatten the squirell, Axel? Why are you so cruel to the squirell, Axel? Don't you care about the squirell, Axel? Why did you kill the squirell, Axel? The squirell probably had a family, Axel. You should feel guilty about killing the squirell, Axel."

"Riiight." said Axel, slowly backing out of the room. Xaldin was a total nutter when he thought he was right. He accidentally bumped into Zexion in the hall.

"Isn't today a wonderful day!" stated Zexion, twirling around.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Zexy? Is your medication totally screwing you up?" asked Axel, folding his arms.

"What medication?" asked Zexion, cocking his head to one side.

"Oh God, he's in his happy mood."

"Anyway, today I woke up, and there were heaps of cuts on my left arm. I shrugged and broke out the old plasters out." The Cloaked Schemer held his arm out, displaying an array of Barbie, Wiggles and Hi-5 Bandaids.

"Do you remember anything about yesterday?" asked Axel. He wondered where he kept his stash of plasters, he was always getting hurt and could do with some, himself.

"I remember it was dark and sad. I felt like crying, but as soon as it hit midnight, I was happy. Also, I woke up really, really, early and _Dora the Explorer _was on. And she said that we should give chocolate to those we love. So, free choccies for all! Except for you, you can die." he added, looking at Axel. He hated Axel, no matter what mood he was in. It was no wonder that Axel would be responsible for Zexion's untimely death.

"NOOO!"

"That's what they all say. They all say: "NOOO!"."

"Who?" asked Axel, now curious.

"The people I kidnap."

"Who have you kidnapped?"

"Marilyn Manson."

"Oookay. Bye." Axel turned away and descended the stairs. "Freak..."

* * *

"Kiddies, lunch is up!" cried Xemnas, stood in the front doorway. He had a hairy-chest apron on, and was banging a pot with a wooden spoon.

Namine ran eagerly up. "Where's my bib?" she asked, stood on her tiptoes.

"In the wash. Which one do you want? Barbie, Wiggles, Captain Planet, or Scooby Doo?"

"CAPTAIN PLANET HE'S OUR HERO! GONNA TAKE POLLUTION DOWN TO ZERO!" screamed Namine, jumping up and down.

"Okay, here." Xemnas handed her a cotton cloth, with Captain Planet and The Planeteers printed onto it.

Larxene entered the room just then, and grumpily plopped down into a chair at the dining table.

"Hi Mansex," she said, still pissed off at not getting any dessert "What's for dinner?"

"XEMNAS." he corrected "And it's pot roast with root vegetables."

"YAY! I like the root vegetables! (Snort) Yaoi." said Demyx, prancing in. He danced over to a chair opposite the Savage Nymph and sat down, resting his head on his hands.

"Hewwo Warxene."

"What?"

"Hewwo Warxene."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked, impatiently. Demyx was annoying her, something that would be fatal if he continued.

"Nuffin's wrong wiv me, Warxene. (Snort) Yaoi."

"Xemnas! Make this shithead shut up!"

Demyx started to cry. Namine sat on the ground with her bib around her neck, pretending to be driving, and Larxene just looked at Demyx. She folded her arms and smugly smiled.

Xemnas told her off, instructing her to be kinder to him.

"Why should I?" After another disapproving look from Xemnas and a threat of no dessert for a further week, she apologised.

Zexion came bounding in, and jumped into a chair next to Larxene.

"HELLO! Isn't today a lovely, wonderful day to be alive?"

"What?" asked Namine, taking a seat opposite.

"I feel like sunshine! Does anyone else feel like sunshine?" said Zexion, a huge grin plastered onto his face. He had clipped his fringe back with a hair slide, showing both of his eyes.

"No, I DON'T feel like sunshine. In fact, I want you to die." said Saix, before taking a seat next to Namine.

"Hi Saix! Watcha doin'?" she asked, playfully swinging her legs.

"Thinking of how much a stupid fuck Captain Planet is. If I had all those planets, I'd kill all the kittens and do a ram raid."

Xaldin entered the room. "I understand that." He was dragging a sack behind him.

"What's in there?" asked Xemnas, suspicious.

"Erm, a dead hooker. I mean, dessert."

"Did someone say dessert?!" yelled Axel, bursting in. "You said it was in the sack!" He opened it to find a cadaver.

"ARGGHH! WHAT THE HELL.IS THIS?!"

"Dessert." said Zexion, casually shrugging his shoulders.

"You're ABOVE a dead hooker?" asked Larxene.

"I've heard that one before!" said Xaldin, prompting big audience-like reactions from his buddies.

"WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO!"

* * *

The rest of them had just sat down, when they heard the doorbell ring.

Xemnas answered the door, to reveal Riku wearing his blindfold.

"Hello..?"

"Hi, my name's Riku, and I'm after Organization XIII. I want to kill them."

"Erm, we're the Organization and a dead hooker. No thirteen's here."

"Can you point me in the right direction?"

"I think it's the old lady down the street."

"Thanks!" Riku ran down the road, and Xemnas shut the door, before hearing bones cracking and screaming.

"You know, that was very, very uncool." said Lexaeus "I thought we agreed that every visitor would take home this lovely bag of artificial sweetener."

"R'you just-a tryin' to getta gone of your drugs before the police find it?" asked Vexen, rolling his eyes.

"Noo." he said, before flushing the "artificial sweetener" down a conviently placed toilet.

"My stash!" he cried, totally forgetting what he'd just done. Lexaeus reached deep into the toilet and pulled out a slippery substance. "Hehe, it smells."

"Seriously, why do we have a toilet in the dining- ARGGH!" Namine had noticed him squeezing it between his fingers.

"Axel," said Xemnas, struggling to keep his stomach intact "If you set him on fire, I'll give you dessert."

"With pleasure." said Axel, lighting up some flames above his fingers.

* * *

Axel sat eating his well earned Angel Cake, lazily leaning on his elbow.

_"But Jack, you have to look after the baby!" _said a random woman on the TV.

_"But it's my evil twin's baby!" _

_"But... you ARE the evil twin!" BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!_

_"No, I am the evil twin's cousin's mother!"_

_"That makes you a woman!"_

_"... Fuck you, Barbara, fuck you!"_

"You right there, Lexy?" asked Axel, looking across the room at a very charred Lexaeus.

"I'm okay okay dude. I smell like hash..."

* * *

Thank you for reading, and please leave a review. What was your favourite bit?

SkyLandOcean and Bro.


	3. Burned Food in General

Welcome to the third chapter of Behind the Curtain! This is full of evil, terror and pain, so don't forget to buy a rose!

Bro: Uh, what?

Oops. We didn't put a disclaimer! Okay, we don't own a thing to do with Kingdom Hearts.

**X**

"Item 112: The severed limbs under Zexion's bed. I brought an example." Namine was in a meeting with the Organization, and lifted up a black rubbish bag. She pulled out a severed head, which Xemnas immediately recognized. "Now, I don't wanna point fingers, but MURDERER!"

"Zexion! That's my brother!"

"What?! I didn't do it!"

"Yeah, whatever. Jerry always annoyed me anyway. You can have an extra scoop of icecream for dessert."

"Cool." said Zexion, showing no emotion.

"WHAT?!" yelled Namine. "I set this u-"

"Whatever."

"Grr."

"Anyway, we really need to train Axel out of his pyromania. It has now become second nature to him. Just yesterday, when we were at Sizzler, and he set an old ladie's soup on fire." said Larxene.

"And she didn't notice..." continued Saix.

"And her brains were burned out, YARR!" finished Luxord, taking a swig of rum.

"What's wrong with a little bit of fire?" asked Axel, not realizing that he had just set a Dusk Nobody alight, and it ran from the room screaming.

"OH MY GOD! PUT OUT THE FLAMES! PLEASE! ARRGH!"

No one paid any attention, as it bounded out of sight.

"Now, there are many ways we can do this, but to really get to the bottom of this, we have to understand why he would resort to pyromania in this first place."

"Listen, if you had fire powers, what would you do with them? Would you use them to water the plants? No. Would you use them to build a pirate ship? NO! You would use them to burn shit!" cried Axel, throwing a ball of flames at Mikoto. "Besides, we don't even have emotions, I just do it for the heck of it! So who cares, anyway?"

"Axel, we DO have emotions. We just pretend to pretend to have emotions, but pretend not to have emotions! So that way, that little Sora kid with his stupid pants and giant key gets scared of us! DAAAAAAH!" Larxene shoved a knife into the side of Saix's head.

He pulled it out, and said "Please, don't do that." He then repeated the action, upon her skull. "TAKE THAT, PIKACHU!

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" She stabbed him again.

"Do you two even WANT dessert?" asked Xemnas. His lips curled into a pout. "I hate yelling at you."

"God, Xemnas is such a lame ass." said Demyx. "(Snort) Yaoi."

"Listen, Axel. I have freaky arse aerial blades which I could use to go Darth Vader on every one of you here, but do I kill all the little Jedi children? No! I use them to cook dinner and chop veggies! Tonight is enchiladas! Everyone better be there!" A vein popped out of Xemnas' forehead.

Xigbar spoke. "I know man, I totally know what you mean. You cook for us, you clean for us, you take care of us when we skin our knees, and you're the best darn _Dance, Dance Revolution _player ever! We love you! GROUP HUG!"

Xigbar threw his arms around Larxene, who had another kunai ready. She jammed it through his eyepatch, stuffing it inside his head.

There was an awkward silence, but it was broken as Marluxia squealed.

"EEEEKKK!"

"What is it, Marly?" asked Axel.

"There's a bug. On my chair." Marluxia's voice was high and squeaky.

"Oh yeah, I remember I was experimenting the other day, and injected the Black Death into a humbug. That must have been where it went. Hyuk, this sure is a hoedown." said Vexen.

The Graceful Assassin pulled out a can of flyspray and emptied the entire can's contents upon the insect.

"If that stink don't clear away soon, I'll give you a switchin'."

Roxas rubbed the back of his head. "Is the power out again?"

"HELLO!" yelled Xemnas, losing patience.

"Hi!" said Xaldin.

Marluxia leapt from his Throne of Eternal Never Was-Iness, and ran from the Room That Never Existed, down the Hall Of Unchained Memories and into the Room Of Forgotten Despair. He ran into the Bathroom Of Discontented Hearts and went into the Bath Of Screaming Victims.

No one noticed his absence.

"Axel, you're on the hotseat. Tell us what the root of your severe pyromania is." said the Superior.

"More like YOU'RE on the hotseat!" said Lexaeus, his voice laced with the effect of magic mushrooms.

"OH MY GOD! MY FABULOUS JUMPSUIT! IT'S RUINED!" cried Xemnas, looking down at his burning clothes.

"I'd be more worried about your fabulous ass!" said Demyx, giggling girlishly.

"And you wonder how we figured it out." pointed out Namine, sighing.

"I thought you left." said Zexion.

"Oh, so Namine doesn't exist, said the emo boy!"

Zexion pulled three needles out from under the cushion of his Throne Of Hidden Implements Of Death.

"Goodbye, cruel world!" he cried. Luxord slapped them out of his hand, and Zexion burst into bitter Tears That Never Were, Yet Somehow Still Ran Down His Face.

"I'd say that is not being the best desicion, me laddo."

"Why not? No one cares about me! No one even noticed that I cut my hair!"

"Everyone knows you cut your wrists." said Roxas, under his breath.

"Zexy, every second day you're all 'Latitatitatita!' and then you're 'I wanna die and take the universe with me'."

"I wanna die and take the universe with me."

"See?"

"You're all jerks and I hate you!" said Zexion, jumping down his throne.

"Bye, bye, ducky! Take care!" said Axel, waving at him. His voice was mocking, and Zexion flipped him off as he angrily slammed the door.

For several moments, they could hear the angry muttering of the boy.

"...don't even care... kill myself with chicken wire... didn't even notice that I made icecream... I'm glad I spat in it... everyone hates me... I feel like tacos... good thing I know how to make them... I'm a better cook than Xemnas, that's for sure... I taught him half the stuff he knows, the rest was hit-and-miss. Someone should teach him about fashion."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING SO AWFUL?!" cried Xemnas, his eyes brimming with tears.

"Get lost!"

"I NEED ICECREAM, STAT!"

Roxas ran out of the room, into the kitchen. He opened the freezer and found a tub of home-made neopolitan icecream. He rushed back with some chocolate sauce and a ladle. He handed the tub to Xemnas, who snatched the ladle and poured chocolate sauce all over it.

He took a bite, then yelled: "THIS HAS SPIT IN IT! AND MY TEETH HURT!"

Zexion allowed himself a rare emo-day smile. "Take that, Mr. 'I got bashed by the Camcorder Kid because I'm so lame'. He really does have the most tragic taste. That black and white robe, gag."

Xemnas spat all the icecream out, and tossed the tub to the floor. He was now in a very bad mood.

"Can I help you with anything?" asked Axel, seeing how pissed off the Superior was.

"Shut up, you burny freak!"

Axel whined. Mikoto walked past, but he didn't even have the heart to burn her. HEEHEEHEE, GEDDIT?

"Why is Xemmy-poo being mean?" asked Demyx, looking up from filing his nails. "(Snort) Yaoi."

**X**

Axel sat in his room, trying his darndest not to set alight the fern sat on his desk.

"_MUST...NOT...BURN!"_

He kept thinking this as spasms rocked his limbs, begging for him to create fire.

"I'll just watch television."

_"We now return to _Friends."

_"Joey, you dumb bastard! You set fire to the entire apartment!"_

_"Screw you, Monica! You're such a bitch!"_

"Yah!" cried Axel, switching the channel.

_"We now return to _Fire Rescue 000."

"Argh!" He pressed the button again.

Playschool came on.

_"This book is called _Donny, Don't. _Donny, don't set fire to the curtains."_

"Yah!"

_"We now return to _Pokemon_!"_

_"Charizard, I choose you! Use Flamethrower to burn down that kindergarten!"_

Axel twitched, desperately wanting to burn children. He finally threw the remote through the screen.

"Okay, stay calm man, stay calm. You don't need to burn things. You managed when you were human, oh wait, I was jailed for five years for flame-related calamities."

"Hey Axel! You wanna try some spicy hot Doritos?" asked Marluxia, walking past his open door. He popped on in his mouth. "It's like a fire in my mouth, and it's burning badly. Mm-hm."

"You want fire? HERE'S YOUR FIRE!" Axel built up a small fire, heating it white-hot. He then proceeded to shove it down Marluxia's throat.

Marluxia ran off, gagging as flames spewed from his mouth.

Axel sighed. He hadn't gone five minutes, and he had already burned someone.

Marluxia ran down the hall, before finally bumping into Luxord. He pointed at his throat and then down the hall at Axel's room.

"What?" asked Luxord. "Timmy be down the well? Well, tell him to take care next time, Lassie!"

The Graceful Assassin folded his arms and looked at Luxord like he was an idiot.

"Eh? Do you notice that you have violent flames erupting from your gob?"

"Yeth!"

"Yarr!"

"Yeth!"

"Yarr!"

"Help!"

"Yarr!"

"Oh, you thupid rethard! Axthel di' thith!"

"Oh. Well, run along."

Marluxia sighed, toasting Luxord in the process.

He ran to get Demyx's help.

"DEMYKTH!"

"(Snort) Yaoi. What do you want? I'm trying to watch _Will & Grace."_

Demyx was lazing on the couch, a bag of Twisties in hand.

"Put out the thire in mah mouf!"

"Oh, okay!" Demyx pumped Marluxia with so much water that he inflated like a balloon.

"It's out! It's out!" cried the sycthe-wielding flowerchild.

The sitarist stopped the flow of water before asking who had done it.

"There's only one guy in the castle who has power over fire, you rodent-brained foot-scuz!"

"Oh. Is it Wheeler?"

"That's _Captain Planet_!"

"Roxas?"

"He has LIGHT! Actually, come to think of it, that's a worry. When did that ever work out for the bad guys?"

"We're the bad guys? But we have Sora!"

"We have Roxas!"

"Same thing!"

"Whatever, Axel's going nuts! He's probably running down the halls and setting fire to everything in sight! Oh my God! MY POSIES!" Marluxia saw that a nearby vase of his prize flowers was aflame.

"Oh, yeah, Marly."

"WHAT?!" cried the pink-haired guy, desperately blowing on the flames.

"That water I used wasn't distilled."

"WHAT?! I MUST WASH! NOW!" Marluxia fled the room, towards the nearest showers. He twisted the tap desperately, little did he know that Axel was currently burning the water heater.

"ARRGH! NO! IT IS PAINFUL! NEED COLD!" He turned the other tap, but it was even hotter.

Larxene was walking past. "Hey, I hear pain. And I LIKE IT." She continued her stroll, not even bothering to see or help who was screaming.

Marluxia jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around himself. He saw as the tiles in the bottom of the shower melted, and fell down the drain.

"I NEED A CURE, OR A POTION OR SOMETHING! XEMNAS!"

Roxas ran in, and saw Marluxia all burnt and the bottomless shower. "What's wrong? A spider?" He failed to notice that number XI was litterally steaming and screaming on the floor.

"Hey, I wanna play too!" Roxas laid on the floor and started to scream hysterically as well.

Xigbar walked past. "Hey, what are you two cool cats doin'? You playing mummies and babies? I wanna be the mummy!"

He sat on the floor and said: "Does Roxy-chan need a nappy change?"

A third scream joined the two. "AIIIIIH!"

"Are you playing too?" asked Roxas, taking a break fron his own imaginary play.

"No! THERE'S TOTALLY A CLOWN WITH A CHAINSAW! IT'S WEARING A TOP HAT! AIIH!"

"What is all this noise?!" cried Xemnas, stomping in with a phone. "I'm trying to talk to my banker!"

The three stopped screaming, and Xigbar didn't say anything.

"Whadda ya mean I'm in debt?! Let's see who's in debt when you come home and find your kids tied up and suspended above a shark tank! HAHAHA!"

_"Oh my God! Are you serious?!"_

"Delightfully!" Xemnas hung up. "Now, what is the problem?!"

"Axel's gone on a burning spree! He's nuts!"

"Where'd he go?"

"Wherever you want me to go!" said Axel, suddenly behind him.

"Have you lost your mind?!" cried Xemnas. He then spied the burning posies. "Axel! That is a genuine Qing Dynasty vase! You better have a good excuse, mister!"

"I wanted it to burn! So I burned it!"

"Hmm, a good story, but I don't quite believe you."

"You don't have to! I burn like a wildfire!"

"In your pants? There's a cream for that. You should never have slept with Larxene." said Roxas.

"What?" asked a female voice, behind Roxas.

"I said he should never have done it with Larxene. Uh-oh. You're Larxene, aren't you?"

"Spot on." she answered, kunai appearing between her fingers.

Axel leapt at Xemnas, who grabbed his wrist and tossed him over his shoulder.

"I'm not gonna fight you!" he said.

"No, you'll be dead before you get a chance."

"..."

"Thought so. HYAH!" Axel summoned his chakrams, and swung one at the Superior's face. Xemnas ducked down in time to avoid a nasty injury, and gripped the redhead's ankle, pulling up.

Axel was knocked flat on his back, but used his free leg to sweep Xemnas down. Xemnas landed on the marble floor opposite Axel, a grunt escaping his mouth as the wind was knocked out of him.

The two stepped back a bit before leaping into the air. Xemnas took a wild swing at Axel's torso with his Aerial Blade, resulting in a direct hit. Axel hardly reacted at all. He countered with a mid-air roundhouse kick to the ribs, feeling several of them crack beneath the sole of his boot.

Xemnas swept around behind him, grabbing his hair and driving his knee into the back of his head. Axel coughed up huge amounts of blood, but felt no other effects.

Axel pointed his finger at Xemnas, from which several miniature balls of flame appeared. They flew through the air with the greatest of ease, each singing the Superior's designer haircut.

"That cost four hundred munny, y-you skank!" cried Xemnas, trying to put it out as each hair was burned towards his scalp like a dynamite fuse.

"Did you just call me a skank? Oh, no you did NOT!"

Axel sped towards him, however Xemnas reacted first by punching his opponent upwards in the nose. The redhead winced, but cracked it back into place with his thumb.

They seized eachother by the shoulders and managed to slam eachother down to the ground.

Axel stepped back, but Demyx's foot was inconviently there. He tottered back a bit, before slipping forward and skinning his knee.

"AARRGH!" he cried, beginning to weep. "I skinned my knee!"

He had failed to acknowledge the blood in his mouth and bump on his head where he had been kneed.

Xemnas dropped to his side.

"Aw, you have a boo-boo? Do you need a bandaid?"

Axel sniffled and nodded.

Xemnas left to fetch one.

Larxene looked down at him, slightly smirking but baffled by why he would be more hurt by a skinned knee than a blow to the head.

"You do realise you're covered in your own blood?" she asked.

"I skinned my knee! Show some respect!"

Roxas dropped to the ground and began to worship Axel, Lord of Skinned Knees.

Xemnas rushed back with a Hi-5 bandaid which he stuck on his injury.

**X**

**THE NEXT MORNING**

Xemnas introduced a new way for Axel to control his flamey urges by redesigning the torture system.

When a subject was brought in, instead of the torture of Demyx's lecture on how to get your nails JUUUST right, Axel would burn them.

It would prove to be less effective.

**X**

Thanks for reading as usual blah blah blah, and sorry it took so darn long. We were accused of murdering, but we blamed it on our dog and he got arrested.

"Where is the bomb?!"

"Woof!"

"C'mon, I've been spending twenty four hours asking you questions! Now where is it! This is the sixth time in a row I've stayed up for twenty four hours trying to stop terrorists!"

"(Pant)."

"Goddamn, I need the toilet."


End file.
